She nodded. Binalot sila ng katahimikan. Bumuntong hininga siya. The woman is just extraordinary. Kahit hindi ito magsalita ay parang may puwersang tumutulak sa kanya upang kusang ibahagi ang mga bumabagabag sa kanyang isipan. Perhaps it’s because of the solid rapport that they’ve built over the years.
“Eon’s spending some time with his dad,” aniya.
“Have you processed how you feel about him spending time with his dad?” She asked in a soothing voice.
“I’m okay… I’m okay with it,” wika niya. “It’s just that…”
“It’s just that everything from the past haunts me again,” pag-amin niya.
“The abuse… the cheating… it’s all coming back, doc.” Tears pooled in her eyes.
“We never really discussed this before because my assessment on your emotional state prompted me to device a subtle appoach on your crisis,” anito. “Like I’ve said before, therapy is a long and careful process. And I am happy to tell you that you’ve adjusted well, Monique.”
“I guess, now is the right time to take on another approach. This may never be as optimistic as the ones we’ve already tried, but this surely addresses your issues from the past.”
Kinabahan siya sa sinabi nito. Masaya siya sa mga naging therapy sessions nila ni Dra. Delgado sapagkat kailanman ay hindi nito inungkat at mga pagkakamali niya. Nag-focus lamang ito sa mga therapy modules na makakatulong upang maibsan ang anxiety attacks niya.
“We have to get to the root cause of everything, Monique. Because, if not, this therapist-client realtionship we have will not end. And that would only mean that I am not an effective therapist.”
“Now, take me back to what happened five years ago…”
As painful and gruesome as it is, she managed to walk her through the details of that Davao business trip. It all started there. Kung sana hindi na siya sumama pa kay Raffy, marahil ay namumuhay na sila ng masaya ngayon at kapiling ang isa’t isa.
Those memories were like snippets of video clips playing through her head all over again. Nagdudulot pa rin iyon ng sakit. But oddly enough, it’s not as painful as it has been five years ago. Hindi kasing sakit noong mga panahong wala na siyang gana pang mabuhay, noong mga panahong hindi lang emosyonal kun’di pati na rin pisikal na sakit ang ipinapadanas sa kanya ng taong pinakamamahal niya.
“Maybe hindi ko talaga siya minahal, ‘no? Perhaps I was just so consumed with the idea of having a perfect fiance, a perfect life ahead of us, to the point that it was instilled in my mind that he’s my one true love. Pero baka nagkamali ako. Baka nga hindi ko siya mahal. Because logic dictates that if you truly love a person, there’d be no betrayal, no cheating…” Tila wala sa sariling bulalas niya. For the first time, the tears that she’d expected to fall, never came.
“Monique, as your therapist, I am here to help you come up with rational decisions and help you process your realizations. Here’s the thing though, it is beyond my duty to provide justifications for your mistakes. But I want you to understand is that what you’re doing right now, you’re over rationalizing. And that’s the reason why you can’t truly move on.”
Napakunot-noo siya. Not fully comprehending what Dra. Delgado is saying.
“To put it simply, over rationalization is a form of defense mechanism wherein negative behaviors or feelings or those which are not in line with societal norms are justified and explained in a seemingly rational or logical manner so as to avoid its true explanation…
“In your case, you tend to justify your act of cheating by saying that perhaps you never really loved Raffy. Na baka nga hindi mo talaga siya minahal kaya mo nagawa iyon. But that is not it, Monique. That is just your defense mechanism talking. You know, deep within you, why you cheated. Now, let me ask you this, why did you cheat?”
“I… uhm, I guess I never really loved him…” sagot niya.
“Why did you cheat?” Ulit ni Dra. Delgado.
“Perhaps… I just thought I love him—”
“Why did you cheat?” She repeated in a fiercer voice.
“Because I was weak! I am weak!” Sigaw niya. She just found herself crying. “I’m weak…” her screams turned into muffled sobs.
Napaangat ang tingin niya kay Dra. Delgado nang hawakan nito ang kanyang mga balikat.
“I am truly proud of your progress, Monique. What we did is just a prelude to the new approach that I’m planning to develop for you. We’ll move past your psychoanalytic therapy sessions and we’ll take on Glasser’s Reality/Choice Therapy. I’ll design a new module for you and we’ll utilize it on our next session. Sa ngayon, take some time for yourself and ponder on what just transpired here.” Anito sabay gagap sa kamay niya.
PINAGMASDAN ni Raffy ang natutulog na si Eon. And it hit him, a shared custody and parenting plan isn’t enough for him. He wants his son to grow up recognizing his presence and acknowledging his name.
“Becc,” he said as he called Rebecca. “Make the necessary arrangements. I want Eon to carry my surname.”